You know, I did realize I was queer from a very early age, as early as 11 years old. But still, much of what you wrote here about your own defensive walls applies to me too.

Because, growing up just a few years younger than you, I knew that the real me could not (Ever! I told myself.) reveal himself to my peers. I knew that the consequences of honesty would be intensely and inevitably negative.

And ... I was right in a macro sense. I didn't come out as a teenager, but I was sussed out by my church community, who were my closest friends — by design, since socializing with people "in the world" was highly discouraged in my Baptist circles.

Then I was quite thoroughly ostracized.

However, I did slowly begin to realize that being out, whether I wanted to be or not, let me connect with people on a far deeper level, even though those people were fewer and more far between, as it were.

It took me another 10 years to learn to live fully out, and to do that I had to live in one of our queer meccas. (After being hounded out of the military for being gay.) Then I embraced rather obviously queer mannerisms and speech patterns. Some of that was just who I am, and other parts of it were intentional rebellion.

I sometimes wonder what sort of person I would have become if I had been free to be me all along. But honestly, I think the knot is too complicated to untangle.