You did what society, especially conservative-religious elements of society, demanded you do. You attempted to repress who you really were and perform a heterosexual relationship — a type of performance that many people demanded at that time.

Pressure to do that is still prevalent today in many conservative circles. How often do you hear that "homosexuality is about immoral behavior, about making bad choices?"

Incredibly often, if you happen to read conservative Christian publications. That's the party line. In my last article, I wrote about how the new Speaker of the House has been pushing that message for decades.

The decision you made in the 1980s was rational and in comformance with mainstream thinking of the time. You would have had to have extraordinary force of will to resist the kind of pressure you faced.

Things are easier today, but even today many gay people much younger than you conform to conservative social expectations rather than live as their authentic selves.

I'm unspeakably sorry for the tragic loss of your son. I'm sorry for his pain, and I'm sorry for yours.

I also relate very well with your struggle to find true family connections later in life. You're about 5 years ahead of me, but I understand your pain implicitly. I wish I had something more comforting to say than "don't feel guilty about choices you were under tremendous pressure to make."

But it's important to say it. You did your best in almost impossible circumstances. I respect you enormously for that. Worth saying.