When my 15-year-old foster son came home one day with a tongue piercing, and when he tried to get a reaction out of me by telling me how much girls liked it (sexually), I complimented him on how nice it looked and made sure he disinfected it on schedule as instructed. (Not an entirely painless process.)

After about a month, he got tired of it, took it out, and never wore it again. I’m pretty sure if I had been judgmental or preachy about it, he’d have been less inclined to do what he wanted and more inclined to react to me.

When I shrugged it off, so did he eventually.

I have to admit I would have a little more trouble not reacting negatively to “it" as a pronoun for an LGBTQ person. Emotionally, the dehumanizing aspect of that pronoun is hard to shrug off. I’ve heard it weaponized against queer people too often.

But on the other hand, I was an early adapter of “queer” in an intentional reclamation sense. Other LGBTQ people often reacted intensely negatively to my use of that word. Sometimes they still do. I never blame them for that or invalidate their strong feelings. They have a right to feel what they feel. I just ask them to respect that I feel differently and to honor my sincere motivations for using the word.

I guess I would have to take the same approach to “it" if a young queer person were trying to reclaim it or defang it as a pronoun of choice.

I don’t have to like it. I don’t even have to use it given the alternative of using a name. But I don’t need to get all up in their face either. I’ve been in their shoes, after all.