This! Very much this.
I would add that on my own circumstances, which seem similar to yours, I not only internalized shame, but the instinct to hide from people, to avoid true emotional intimacy.
I’ve observed so many gay men with attachment issues.
The phenomenon is perhaps less prevalent today than when we were young, but it’s still a problem.
We older gay men need to share stories to help our peers, contemporary and younger, to understand.