Sometimes, I wonder how my own life would have gone had I compromised. In the late 1980s, I was an Air Force intelligence officer with a promising career. Then one day, the FBI came to our base to begin a series of routine security polygraphs on those of us with security clearances.

I didn't think anything of it, except to wonder if they would ask me about a report I had made about meeting and briefly socializing with a Soviet national at a West Berlin festival. I had not done anything wrong, and I had reported the contact promptly, so I didn't actually worry about it.

They didn't ask me about that.

For those who don't know how polygraphs work, they're an investigatory tool preceded by a lot of questions by the examiners, as they seek to set up the examination.

I had two examiners, and one of them casually asked me about being gay. He said, don't worry this is just a routine question that I have to ask.

But evidently they saw something in my expression they didn't like. And when it came time for a set of 10 or 15 prepared questions that I had to answer yes or no to, homosexuality featured in two of them.

I failed the test. The examiners told me that they had serious questions about my honesty with respect to homosexuality, and they said their report would say so.

I didn't worry that I could be charged with a crime under the Uniform Code of Military Justice, because I was confident prosecutors would not be able prove I'd had sex with other men and wouldn't be especially anxious to try. My command at the time was not aggressive about hunting out homosexuals. That would change with the advent of Don't Ask Don't Tell, but that's a story I only heard second hand from friends who stayed in the Air Force.

I resigned my commission before the DADT witch hunts started up, because that polygraph would always be a Sword of Damocles threatening to destroy my security clearance, which would have left my career in ruins.

So, I got out while the getting was good. I was still young, and I started a radically different life, which centered around queer and AIDS activism.

But I wonder sometimes what would have become of me if those FBI agents had not decided to try to sniff out my sexual orientation. What if I'd passed that polygraph with flying colors?

Would I have compromised my values to succeed in a military career that could end with a lucrative civilian contracting gig and proximity to power?

My best friend of the time, who is straight, became powerful and influential by following that path. You might have seen him as a talking head on CNN.

I didn't have to choose, because that failed polygraph chose for me, putting me in nearly the last cohort of the military victims of the Lavander Scare.

But I do wonder.