Patriarchal gender norms are insidious and often difficult to recognize let alone do anything about. I appreciate your analysis here, and I find it very interesting.

We gay men can also find ourselves strangled by patriarchal gender norms we don't even know we're echoing. As we shoehorn ourselves into roles of top or bottom, stud or twink, we emulate gender performance that we should be (or maybe that we even think) we're transcending.

I'm not saying there's anything inherently wrong with gay men's performative gender roles related to sexual relationships, just that they are very common and we often take part because we're expected to rather than because we genuinely want to or genuinely find it fulfilling.

It's not all over-the-top toxic. For every crude, "Silly twink, dicks are for chicks" joke, you'll find many perfectly well adjusted, happy gay couples who nonetheless emulate patriarchal norms.

But how many of us are harmed? I don't know, but it's worth thinking about.

Of course, the specifics of lesbian issues in this respect are very different from the specifics of gay male issues, but I think all of us queer people struggle to overcome patriarchal expectations, often to our personal detriment.

So, thanks for writing about it!