Omg, after I scheduled this story last night, I had so many chuckles. I mean, it's kind of a depressing topic because I know some guys really do feel like this, and I've met them sometimes. I mean, the ones who are so paranoid about being gay that they're irrational about it.

But on to the hilarious...

You're correct to point out that being gay is more about the dick than the butt. Everybody's different, but I've met very few gay men who just want to penetrate a butt and be done with it.

No, no.

We like men. Men's bodies. Men's muscles. Men's chests. And especially, men's dicks. Most especially.

So, hey, all your fragile straight sides out there. 👇

Don't soap up your steely abs and etched six pack in the shower. That's gay as hell! It is, dude. I'm gay, and I'm here to tell ya.

And whatever you do, hands off your dick. Because that's the gayest of them all. Pinky swear, really and truly. Cuz if a gay dude is into you, and you're into him right back, the first thing he's going for after your pecs is your dick. Gay 101. Sorry to break it to you.

So, you know that little thing you like to do at night before you go sleep, that you've been doing since you were like 13?

Gay, dude. Gay, super gay, super duper gay.

So, I'll tell you what. Don't wanna be taken for gay? Don't touch yourself. That body, and especially that dick, is reserved for your girlfriend or wife ... only.

Because you never want anyone to suspect your gay behavior makes you gay. So leave your little friend alone. Deal?

What, no way? Seriously? Oof.

Well, okay, but I hate to break it to you — being gay ain't all about the butt. You're just try to make it about that because you're trying to make being gay sound disgusting.

Which ... are you ever going to graduate from the 8th grade and grow up? You can't stay 13 years old forever.