I've noticed this pretty much all my life. When I was a little kid, I struggled with feminine presentation. Meaning, I was very effeminate, and my family and friends let me know that was unacceptable. (And "let me know" is ironic understatement.)

So I learned to mask my instinctual femininity, even as I learned to mask my autism, which I didn't even know I had. I was 30 years old before I just let myself be whoever I was. Partly that was because I moved to New York City, where the social cost of gender-presentation transgression was much lower than where I had lived before.

Anyway, I noticed that when I dressed and presented as obviously gay, women warmed up to me remarkably. Later, when I move back to the conservative American heartland, I subconsciously masked up a little more, but ...

Thinking about what you just wrote, I realize that when I encounter women in public I often up my effeminate presentation just a tad, just enough for them to see me as "not a threat."

And it works! Remarkably, it works even though people around here tend to be very homophobic for cultural and religious reasons.

The homophobia is less important, apparently, than ingrained presumptions about gender presentation, sexual orientation, and the potential for violence.

Many conservative women out here in the sticks are more likely to be comfortable and chatty around me if I send out obviously gay vibes, even though those women subscribe to generally homophobic value systems and sometimes even work to impose or enforce homophobic laws and social policies.

Weird and complicated!

Like your story is complicated and nuanced. Thanks for sharing it!