"Isn't everyone afraid all the time?"
I asked that once of the therapist who diagnosed my autism. I don't remember if our conversation about fear happened before or after the diagnosis.
"What do you mean by all the time?" he said. We'd been talking about groups I joined for socializing and how I had to make myself go sometimes, even though I often ended up enjoying myself on some level. I started the conversation by telling him that I wasn't sure the anxiety I felt prior to a meeting was worth whatever enjoyment I got out of the meeting.
"I mean the only time I'm not afraid of people is when I'm not around them."
He cocked an eyebrow. "You don't seem afraid of me. Why should you be? I like you. You're an interesting guy. You're friendly. You're well spoken. I enjoy talking to you, so I imagine other people do too. What are you afraid of?"
I didn't know how to answer!
He was treating me for PTSD, so I presumed I was dealing with the after effects of trauma, which I probably was. But I didn't know yet that some of that trauma stemmed from a lifetime of autism hijacking social interactions and conditioning me to expect poor treatment from many people.
Not a whole lot has really changed, except my self awareness, and that helps. I doesn't eliminate my fear of social interactions, but it helps me understand that my fear isn't entirely rational and that I will probably be fine if I take risks and just be myself with someone I like.
Still, I never stop worrying. Last night, I was talking to somebody I like, and it was going well, and then before I realized what I was doing, I was info dumping about a special interest. Totally nerding out about a topic most people find dry as dust.
And now I feel anxious about it. What will they think of me? How could I have been so inconsiderate? Etc.
But I shouldn't feel anxious, because I was being genuine, because my energy was right. And hell, they know I'm autistic and a big nerd already, so what's the big deal?
That's the constant struggle.
To stop being afraid all the time.
