I'm thinking of my good friend Davis, a very tall, very muscular American man who is gay and Black.

He's told me stories of alienation similar to yours. (I'm going to direct him to your story to see if he wants to weigh in.)

He's reacted differently to stigmatization — by presenting as over loud, overtly feminine, and the life of the party.

But I know from long, intimate association with him that he presents nothing like how he feels, which is often deeply depressed and lonely.

Similar stimuli to yours, different external response, but I suspect a similar internal response.

I can very much relate to your feelings of mistrust and suspicion. I'm also very slow to trust and sometimes can't bring myself to trust at all. The habits of suspicion and distancing I cultivated as a younger man were critical to my health and safety. Those habits have become part of who I am.

I sometimes wonder what my personality would be like if I'd been able to grow up feeling accepted, safe, and valued.