I’m one of those relatively rare, completely polarized people. I’ve tried to feel sexually attracted to women and just can’t. When I was a young man, a couple very close women friends of mine (who happened to be very attractive in the conventional sense) became sexually intimate with me.

I remember a particularly magical night under the stars on a Greek island. It should have been romantic and wonderful, but I just couldn’t feel anything.

So, we never tried that again.

You hear a lot about this part of the gay experience. Stories about gay men who can’t summon even a modicum of attraction toward women get amplified. We tell jokes and funny stories about it. We wear our lack of attraction toward women with pride, as a sort of in-group badge. Look how gay we are!

I’m sure nobody means anything toxic by this. It’s just that after years of not belonging, it feels really good to be surrounded by people who don’t belong in the same way. It feels wonderful to have an in group.

But what we’re actually doing when we express pride in strictly polarized attraction is disregarding and leaving out people who aren’t exactly like us. We’re normalizing biphobia without even intending to be biphobic.

I wonder how many gay guys I used to joke around with really did feel attraction toward women sometimes. I’m supposing more than dared speak up about it.

Written by

Writer. Runner. Marine. Airman. Former LGBTQ and HIV activist. Former ActUpNY and Queer Nation. Polyglot. Middle-aged, uppity faggot. jamesfinnwrites@gmail.com

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