I get really annoyed by people who pretend that gaydar is a real, innate sense and that they are really good at it. I get offended when people pretend that mannerisms or dress must accurately label somebody’s sexual orientation. And I feel indignant for you, that you have to live with people making assumptions about you without getting to know you.

But this is all complicated by the fact that while gender identity and sexual orientation are not related, gender presentation and sexual orientation often are related.

Sometimes it’s cultural. Gay men often deliberately present, at least among one another, as somewhat effeminate. Sometimes it’s a matter of taking on in-group behavior as a form of inclusion or identity advertising. And then there’s the confusing fact that a disproportionate percentage of gay men seem to be born with the propensity to present more effeminently than straight men do.

Many lesbians say the same about their communities and gender presentation. Certainly nothing like all lesbians present in a masculine manner, but a disproportionate number do, whether on purpose or by nature.

So now we get to the tough part. With a disproportionate number of sexual minorities wearing rebellious or dissonant gender presentation on our sleeves, as it were, people get conditioned to seeing that kind of presentation as indicative of identity.

So the question is, given that sexual minorities are not likely to stop deliberately transgressing traditional gender presentation, often as a badge of identity, how to best educate people that other people often transgress those presentations for different reasons?