I feel this so much! I know it's not the same with me being gay, but something similar to your experiences happened to me when I was a teenager.

Becky was a girl in the small group of theater/music kids I hung out with.

One day several of us were down in a friend's basement listening to music or playing games or something, and then the others went upstairs, except for Becky.

You could have knocked me over with shock when she kissed me. But what was I supposed to do? She was an attractive girl, and I was a boy, and what would she think?

So I kissed her back. Pretty soon we were making out. I just wanted to get away and go home, but I was afraid.

Then she sent me a love letter, and I sent her one back. Because ... everybody knew we were friends, which made some other kids jealous because she was really very pretty. I didn't think anybody would understand if I just said no.

I feel really guilty because I led her on, and of course I couldn't keep up the charade. Let's just say that lots of tears ended up being shed on both of our parts, but mostly on hers, which was my fault.

And you know, Becky and I never were actually close friends, even though people thought we were. How could we be when I was hiding something so important about myself?