I doubt human beings are ever going to stop wanting to form committed pair bonds, though the legal customs and practices of marriage can obviously and should obviously evolve.
In the late 1990s when I was on the tail end of a decade of LGBTQ activism in New York City, legalized same-sex marriage was on pretty much nobody’s queer-advocacy agenda. Many leading thinkers dismissed the necessity out of a mistrust of the institution itself, on pretty much the same grounds you’re quite rightfully talking about here.
What nobody counted on was a groundswell of popular demand. Lesbian and gay people, many flush with the recent successes of HIV activism, raised their voices practically spontaneously. As much as Andrew Sullivan might like to take credit, he was riding a popular wave.
Many of us activists on the left kind of scratched our heads saying in effect, “Really? Of everything we could be prioritizing now, marriage is what you want?”
But it really was what everybody wanted. Clearly, with same-sex marriage, the patriarchy and enforced gender roles are less obvious problems, not to say they aren’t problems sometimes, but legal marriage confers social privilege and protection that people crave.
Pushing back then against a spontaneous queer demand for legal same-sex marriage was a non starter. Nobody wanted to hear it, and it seemed like everybody wanted to jump aboard the marriage train.
Clearly to me, some of that was a reaction against oppression. Of course, marginalized people are going to want a perceived benefit that society forbids them. When I lost my valuable New York City co-op because my late partner was not allowed to legally marry me, naturally I also wanted to participate in the institution for at least legal purposes.
But over the years, I’ve begun to believe there’s something more to it than just that. Same-sex couples crave the spiritual, symbolic value of marriage, the open declaration of committed love.
Isn’t that what all marriage should be about, for those who wish to participate? And if same-sex couples can learn to form marriages without patriarchal gender rules being enforced, can’t opposite sex couples aspire to the same thing?
