Have you ever experienced fully requited romantic love? You and I lived in Berlin at about the same time, and even though I was an Air Force officer eventually officially intimidated out of uniform for being gay, I knew the gay subculture really well. (I dated a native Berliner for a couple of years who happened to be a civilian public affairs officer at Tempelhof Central Airport. (A U.S. base at the time rather than the public park it is today.)

I'm only asking because you seem to have sort of set yourself up for not having loving relationships, First by pursuing men who were straight, and then by taking some sort of religious vow that apparently forbids that sort of relationship.

Have you ever considered just letting go and letting yourself be in a fully loving relationship?