Eeeks! It’s hard to know where to start, because the terminology here is a bit confusing. Do I understand correctly that you have an 11-year-old grandchild who was assigned female at birth (AFAB) but identifies as a boy and wants their family to use male pronouns for them?
I see you’re using bisexual as part of the conversation, but maybe you’re conflating sexual orientation with gender identity? Normally, somebody like your grandchild who identifies as a transgender boy will experience or talk about sexual orientation separately. A transgender boy can be gay, straight, or bisexual just like any other boy. Given that sexual orientation can be fluid, and given that gender identity does not seem to closely correlate to sexual orientation, it’s probably best to keep the conversations separate.
Who your grandchild is actually attracted to (if they’re sexually attracted to anyone yet) is not likely connected to how they experience their gender.
The big question is, does your grandchild strongly identify as a boy rather than as a girl? If so, studies indicate that family acceptance is critical to good mental health. Rates of clinical depression and suicidal ideation are astonishingly high among trans youth. The biggest antidote to that is family acceptance and support.
If your grandchild is distressed that you are not using their preferred male pronouns, perhaps you could just show them the kindness of doing so? It’s possible they’ll change their mind eventually, but data show that by the time trans kids are 11 years old they usually don’t change their minds.
But whether they do or not, gender identity is such a critical part of personal identity that a child can feel deeply rejected if their family don’t support them. You know, the only person who actually knows how your grandchild experiences gender is your grandchild. Ask yourself if there’s any potential good outcome to trying to convince them they’re wrong. I mean, the closer they come to their teen years, the more they’ll likely push back, anyway. Right?
Trans people say the best way their families can support them is to believe what they say and treat them with love and respect. Part of that respect is using their preferred pronouns.
Can you think of a downside to calling your grandchild he/him? On the off chance that they change their mind a year or so down the road, will any harm have been done?
On the other hand, if you resist their personal agency with respect to their own intensely personal gender identity, great harm could be done.
Something to think about.
