Coincidentally, Jamie Nelson touched on this theme yesterday in his story for Prism & Pen, writing about both good and distressing experiences in gay hooking up or dating. He covered a couple specifics, while you hit the broad strokes very well indeed.
You know, neither of my permanent relationships was closed. We didn't expect monogamy, but on the other hand we did expect full partnership.
Especially in my second relationship, when we were raising a kid together, being fully present was seriously necessary.
For the first couple years after we fostered our child, we had to carefully plan to make sure somebody was home when he was, not every second but for the most part.
And besides just being there, we had work to do. Parenting is labor intensive. Not just cooking and cleaning and making sure the kid doesn't burn the house down, but all the stuff... Homework. Conversation. Playing games. Besides our actual jobs. And the time we needed to spend together to keep our relationship as a couple strong.
If one of us had run out to a hookup or a club in the middle of all that, the other would have probably thrown some serious dagger looks.
That doesn't mean we never made time for personal interests and so forth, and the odd hook up, but that wasn't a good recipe for the sort of hedonistic abandon those straight guys on the subway imagined.
Life is tiring quite often and complicated. And while the grass might look greener on the other side, there are usually plenty of dandelions that need pulling.