Besides the problems you bring up with the difference between queer-passing and straight-passing relationships, the idea that leaders must be in relationships is itself more than a little problematic.

Some of the most effective queer leaders I’ve known have been or were single for most of their lives — perhaps dating off and on, but never forming permanent partnerships. The idea that people must pair off is one of those heteronormative strictures the queer movement is supposed to be fighting against.