As a gay man with autism, I can relate to so much of this. I was just thinking the other night about how every significant relationship in my life — friend relationship or romantic relationship — has come about because someone devoted serious time and energy to pursuing a relationship with me, which pursuit I usually didn't notice for ridiculously long periods of time.

I once had a good friend I passed many an evening with talking about books, drinking, and swapping stories. Those were all safe, easy activities that didn't require a lot of social awareness or intitiative on my part. If he showed up with a bottle of wine (or something stronger) and a book, I'd be thrilled. If he didn't, I'd feel sad. I felt a great deal of love for him as a friend, and I told him so more than once. This pattern went on for years until life sent us to live on different continents.

Years later, he called me up and invited me to go to Mexico with him and some of his friends. "We're going to hit the gay scene in Acapulco, and I know you'd enjoy that."

"Wait," I said. "Why would you do that?"

"Because I would enjoy it too, obviously."

"Obviously? You mean ... you're ..."

"Dude! Please! I pursued you for years. I went on vacation with you. We slept in the same bed sometimes. I told you I loved you. Do you have any idea how much it hurt that you never once looked at me the same way?"

I was flabbergasted at how socially blind I had been. Granted, this all happened during an era and in a place where being out was risky, but I WAS out to my friend. He never said the words, but all that time, he presumed I knew he was gay and that I knew he was flirting with me.

I did not know. When he told me, I was floored.

I have since learned to be a little more open to the idea that somebody might be trying to build a relationship with me, learned how to add up the clues and draw a correct conclusion. But (probably because my autism makes it hard for me) I'm always scared I'll draw the wrong conclusion and humiliate myself.

I know my fears are exaggerated, and I've even figured out how to extricate myself with grace and humor if I have wrongly concluded that somebody is pursuing friendship or romance with me.

But overcoming those fears is a process that never ends. It makes me very tired, and sometimes I just don't want to make the effort.

At least I know I can. I don't think at this point in my life I would be so blind to the fact that a lovely person like my friend was flirting with me.