Aging Queer and Alone, a Beautiful Trans Fantasy, and a Haven in Milan
Prism & Pen Weekly Digest — April 28, 2024
by James Finn
This week in Prism & Pen, Rand Bishop brings queer-aging stats home with a powerful, vulnerable tale. Emma Holiday shares a powerful dream, and Clay Hand interviews the Milanese queer-bar owner fighting resurging fascist power in Italy. Kaylin Hamilton takes a critical look at the Cass Review, James Patrick Nelson shares a tale of gay mentorship, and Esther Spurrill-Jones explores the micro-label ‘cupiosexual.’ I take a hard look at youth violence, asking why rising numbers of U.S. teenagers are bullying and physically attacking LGBTQ people.
For you fiction lovers, this a good week to browse Prism & Pen. We’ve got some great stories for you!
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— Editor’s Picks —
Aging, Queer, and Alone in Rural America
Cliché or not, one can feel lonely in a crowd, even within a gathering of loved ones. And, the gelatinous bubble of depression can seem impenetrable.
Most queer folks know the feeling of being the odd one out, the black sheep, the sore thumb. And, even amongst people who truly love you, who believe they know you, and who claim to accept you, square inches of common ground can be difficult to find, making authentic connection tenuous at best.
No one thrives in the absence of empathy and compassion. We need each other.
This Milan Trans-Feminist Bar Is a Haven From Italy’s Fascist Resurgence
Dusk spilled pink and orange across the sky as I emerged from Milan’s Central Station. I wandered through the streets of Porta Venezia, Milan’s LGBTQ+ and Eritrean district; terraces were packed with the rippling romance of the Italian language and the fizzling of Aperol Spritz over melting ice.
Stepping inside Pop Milano, I didn’t realise I was walking into one of the most significant bars of queer activism in the world.
The ‘Trans-Feminist’ bar is a lifeline for locals and staff, and when I returned the following day, the bravery of owner Fedya and her partner Silvia left me positively awe-struck.
This bar is working far beyond the expected parameters of an LGBTQ+ venue …
If The World Could Only See: A Transgender Fantasy
What is happening? Last night, I went to bed as a transgender woman stuck inside a male body. Today …
Looking back in the medicine closet, I see my blood pressure medicine and my HRT hormone patches. I guess I am still taking estrogen. That means that I am still a transgender woman but obviously post bottom-surgery.
Not sure about this reality, I decide to play along. Bra, panties, makeup, dress, nice pair of flats, and my shoulder bag …
As I leave the house and walk to the subway, the world shows no changes from my reality yesterday. Everything was normal. Then suddenly one of my elderly neighbors sees me, and as I cringe at being caught out of gender, she yells across the street:
“Good morning Emma. Cute dress!”
The UK’s Cass Review Is Already Harming Transgender Young People
The final report of the UK’s review of NHS (National Health Service) England’s youth gender identity services, the Cass Review, led by Dr Hilary Cass, was finally released on April 10th after a nearly four-year wait.
The review ostensibly aimed to investigate clinical practices and service provision for transgender and gender-questioning children and young people in England.
Mainstream media have described the review’s findings as ‘damning’ for the gender-affirming model and the use of puberty blockers and hormone therapy…
The review is steeped in cis-supremacy and the idea that transgender identity is less valid than cisgender identity.
The logic promoted in the final Cass Report is that transgender identity can be ‘caused’ by any number of other conditions or problems: neurodivergence, eating disorders, social contagion, adverse childhood experiences, childhood abuse, or being confused about sexuality.
No evidence is presented to support this view.
My Gay Mentor Led Me from Summer Stock to the Silver Screen
I played the title character in one of the finest English-language comedies in contemporary theatre history, with a company co-founded by one of the most legendary Broadway stars of the 20th Century… At least that’s how the job was sold to me…
The less glamorous truth was…
We performed in a tent in the middle of nowhere with an emotionally abusive artistic director and a cast of local amateurs. My friend Keith and I were among the few professional actors in the company, and we always wondered how we got into that mess…
But… to all of our delight and surprise, the man who originated my role on Broadway in the 1960s — came to the show! And he had nothing but lovely things to say about my work. Let’s call him Graham.
Teens Stalk, Beat Gay Couple on Michigan Campus. Can We Wake Up Yet?
LGBTQ Michiganders like me have been reeling since last week when seven high school students stalked, cornered, violently attacked, and hospitalized a gay couple on the Michigan State University (MSU) campus. If you don’t live in Michigan, I bet you don’t even know this happened. If you DO live in Michigan, you still might not have heard, because the mob attack did not make headlines.
We queer folks know. Our networks are clanging the proverbial seven alarms: “Violence levels keep soaring, and even the safest of safe spaces, like university libraries, are not safe.”
From my position reporting on anti-LGBTQ sentiment over the last several years, this mob attack looks not just inevitable, but like a harbinger of much worse to come all across the U.S. — unless we can all work together to tamp down violent homo/transphobic rhetoric that children are internalizing from their respected adults.
I am Cupiosexual. What Does That Mean?
I spent over three decades believing I was a straight cisgender allosexual (an allosexual is someone who experiences sexual attraction, not asexual).
I had crushes on celebrities like Orlando Bloom in Pirates of the Caribbean and Leonardo DiCaprio in Titanic. I had a crush on a boy in my church’s youth group.
With no frame of reference, I never realized that these crushes were not sexual in nature. I never noticed I also had a crush on Mirando Otto in Lord of the Rings, a girl in my youth group, and a girl in university.
I spent years thinking that sexual attraction was the “butterflies” in the stomach breathless feeling. I assumed that when people talked about feeling actual physical sexual desire as part of attraction that they were exaggerating or trying to be poetic.
— Essays & Creative Nonfiction —
Wedding Invitation Jitters and a Trans Plea for Recognition
I’m due to receive a wedding invitation soon. And I feel like a bad friend for dreading the anxiety-riddled process of receiving and accepting it, let alone attending the event.
The groom-to-be is my oldest consistent friend, our relationship dating back to grade one. For a long time, he was, before another friend’s coming out, my only male friend. I like his fiancé a ton; she’s a joy to be around, incredibly kind, and we got on fairly well from the moment we met. Yet muddled underneath the celebration, support, and happiness for them, is a tangled mess of feelings.
A Queer Horror Fan, As a Boy, Craved ‘Just One Moment Like That’
The Long Hallway hinges on sexuality but not necessarily any uncommon desire (at least, I think not). It’s about sexual gaze and romantic pursuit. Many people may relate. It’s common to wonder: Should the other person consent for you to pursue them? Why would they? Do they consent right now? How would you know?
If both of you knew you wanted each other, your courtship would cease to be a pursuit. Your flirting would become a performative inside joke. The game of wanting would end. You might cease to want each other, might even find each other tiresome or repulsive.
Mail Order Gender Transition
Take two of these, and call me in the morning,
as the adage goes. With any luck, you’ll wake up a woman.I looked down at the script now literally in my hands. I blinked to remember the moment. “So, you want the good stuff?” she had said. The words echoed in my head.
Tingles pulsed briefly through my body
like an emergency distress signal test.…
Soft Surrender.
Discovering Your Gender Identity Isn’t Always Linear
I came out as transgender back in 2015, after a year of questioning and coming to terms with my identity.
At the time, I was fourteen. I didn’t know much about nonbinary gender identities, only that they existed. My dysphoria was so bad that I assumed I was a binary transgender man, anyway.
Dysphoria’s severity doesn’t always correlate to gender identity — but I didn’t know that yet.
During the summer of 2015, a doctor prescribed me my first dose of testosterone.
A Transfemme Reflects on Unintentional Outing
One of my favourite sub-genres — this seems like the most appropriate phrasing — of queer and trans writing is a reflecting on things in our past that made it obvious we’re queer or trans before we came out. We might not even be out to ourselves, dropping an innocent sentence or two only to earn a few narrowed looks.
Sometimes, such moments can serve as a pretext for bullying, where we’re already made aware that our self is lesser in some way compared to others. We might not understand ourselves yet, but many others will have, loading up ammunition to attack us based on how we talk, how we sit, or our general mannerisms.
The Power of ‘Gay Vibe’ Movies: We Need a List!
When I was a kid, there were a few specific movies that I really connected with. Addams Family Values, for example. Heathers. Sister Act. Brady Bunch and its sequel. I could keep going.
All of these were fun, popular films. I never felt embarrassed watching them, because a lot of my friends knew them and liked them, too. But even as a kid, I could sense that I liked them just a little more than other people.
In my early 20s, I finally realized what was special about these movies. They were gay. None of them had actual gay characters (aside from RuPaul’s cameo in Brady Bunch), so ten-year-old me didn’t feel self-conscious about watching them.
I’m a Demisexual Paradox
I recently told somebody they’re beautiful, and they replied that I was lying. They’re self-conscious because they feel like they don’t fit into today’s beauty ideals.
I wasn’t lying. I’m demisexual, and I’m attracted to people’s personalities, regardless of what they look like on the outside (or even what gender they are). And yet…
I have the same response on the rare occasions somebody calls me beautiful. My brain absolutely cannot accept the idea that anybody could genuinely find me attractive.
A Gay Pride Travel Bonanza for All
Perhaps the world would be better off to refer to LGBTQ+ people using the first inception of the meaning of gay as carefree. Traveling for me has almost always been gay.
I’ve traveled ’round the world. The gay trips have indeed been carefree, positive experiences of learning about culture and language. It’s a rare occasion to run into any hassles, even in Muslim countries like Egypt and Morocco.
Yet the real celebrations by LGBTQ+ communities in countries ranging from South America to Eastern Europe are vivid moments that stick with me for years afterwards.
Escaping Toxic Masculinity Through ‘Playful Masculinity’
I tend to click with queer and/or neurodivergent people. This makes sense since I am myself queer and neurodivergent. I feel a natural warmth between me and cis gay people, transfem people, and people with autism/ADHD, and they are often my friends and acquaintances.
Surprisingly, I’ve discovered that the exception to this general rule is other transmasc people. Although many of them are also queer and neurodivergent, it’s harder for me to connect with them. Since I am also transmasc, this obviously feels strange and a bit disturbing.
I’ve tried to put my finger on why I feel this way.
— Short Fiction —
My Boyfriend’s Horrible Secret
The waiter drops off our food. Fettuccini for me and a Caesar salad for James. He gives me a knowing look and then walks back into the kitchen. I’ve already given him the heads-up about my proposal.
James just stares at his food. His eyes are red.
“What’s wrong?”
He fidgets with his watch, spinning it around his wrist. He can’t give me eye contact. “Daniel,” he says, barely loud enough for me to hear. “I did something… bad.”
… I reach across the table and grab his hands. He pulls away. He’s never done that before. “Just tell me, okay? I’d love you even if you were a serial killer.”
He finally looks into my eyes. He’s crying.
Going Along: An LGBTQ+ Story About Unhappily-Ever-After
Heidi reaches across the cab and takes Jesse’s hand. Knife scars and burns run across her fiancée’s arms, creating a mishmash pattern like waffles. When they first met two years ago at Jesse’s restaurant, Heidi ran her palms over the map of Jesse’s mosaic skin. She asked if a chef was always such a glutton for punishment.
“Just punished by gluttons,” the other woman laughed, not noticing Heidi smiling back as if her teeth hurt.
Convenience followed into a pattern of rendezvous weekends and mid-week date nights. Until a month ago, Jesse dropped to one knee with a black box in her hand. “I don’t want a big wedding,” she said, her face a shiny red apple in the heat of July.
The Gay Detective: Death Spins a Deadly Web
As I handed Ian his glass, Marc bent his brilliant green gaze on me. “You weren’t there tonight. Not a fan of the symphony?”
I smiled again. Urbane as hell. “Not a huge fan of Mahler.”
“Oh, no. Ian, tell me he didn’t mean that.” Marc leaned forward, his hands outstretched in mock supplication. One hand paused over Ian’s glass. WTF? Did he just dose Ian’s drink?
He swept Ian into an animated debate — German Baroque versus neo-classical composers. Ian loved anything modern, so watching him go head to head with a fan of the traditional was a treat. Or would have been, if the stakes hadn’t been so high.
Editor’s note: Elle’s gay detective appears in other stand-alone stories. If you enjoy the characters, you’ll find links inside, and another story will appear in P&P next week.
— Fiction Series —
The Medellan Conspiracy
By Grayson Bell
Ardyn and Jevan haven’t even started their official ambassador duties, but people keep trying to kill them. Members of two separate species that share a planet, the bonded couple love one another, but can they ever convince their separate peoples that love is better than warfare?
“Commander Keryth had no right to open fire without consulting me or General Nahdi first!” Andreesen insisted for the tenth time that day. “How are the Aterian people supposed to learn to trust the Athla’naa if he does something like that!”
“Chancellor, would you have wanted Jevan and myself to have been killed?” Ardyn asked before adding. “Right when we were on the verge of uncovering the truth behind what the Society of Sevens has been hiding?”
Andreesen was about to continue his argument when his mouth stopped mid-breath. “Wait, what did you say? You discovered something?”
Ardyn rolled his eyes.
Read Episode 59: Keryth
Read Episode 60: Andreesen
That’s all for Prism & Pen this week, folks, so happy reading!
Writers, we have a prompt running now. Truth: I Feel Lonely Even Inside My Chosen Queer Communities. And a new one comes out tomorrow! Just in case you wanted to finish up that draft on loneliness you were working on. (But don’t worry; we never turn down a story just because a prompt is expired.)
We’ll see y’all next Sunday for another Digest. ❤️
